Legend of Zelda - Milk Bar

"Ha ha! My boy, you probably can't hold your own milk! That's why you're feeling so sick!"
Link smacked his son on the back, causing the poor teen to lurch forward and spill some of his overpriced beverage on the counter. Actually, what was making Chirin sick was the smell of the stuff they were drinking and the way his father was behaving. How could a perfectly innocent looking bottle of milk do so much to one's nervous system?
"You see, son? The kind you find at Malon's Ranch back in Hyrule is fine and dandy, but it doesn't hold a candle to Termina's famous Chateau Romani! I bet you can't find a single drink like it in the world!"
"I think I can believe that. You know what, Dad? You can have mine. It will just go to waste."
"Aw, are you kidding? The night's only beginning! Here, drink up, boy! Drink!"
"Aaagh!"
Link shoved the glass to his son's face, laughing heartily as Chirin choked the liquid down. His face turned quite pale as he practically withered back into his seat. He didn't think his father's idea of 'fun' was 'fun' at all.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take…"
"You can take plenty. You were built with my blood flowing through your veins, so you might as well use it. Why, when I was your age, I could swallow tenfold the amount you're drinking!"
Link sat up straight, a proud grin on his face. He raised his glass in the air, toasting to some unknown event and chugged down the entire eight ounces. Chirin couldn't help but notice that his father's wings had started to quiver. Maybe there was a limit even for kings.
"Ah! Excuse me, I'd like another refill! While you're at it get another for my boy here."
"Dad…" Chirin complained.
"It'll man you up in no time flat. Don't worry about it. Just don't let your mother know I let you have this much. She'd string me up so fast, I wouldn't have time to choke!"
Yet his father didn't look like he'd be in the right state of mind to notice a group of Gorons rolling toward him. Chirin started to worry whether he would be okay with traveling tomorrow.
"Ah, blast it! What is she, anyway? Does she have one or not? Of course she would never let me get close enough to find out. Even if I knocked her out, she'd still kill me while unconscious! Maybe I could get Navi in on it. She's probably curious, too. She is a fairy, after all. If I could just get her to enter Sheik's clothes…"
As Chirin took another sip, he started to feel his head get heavy. He was obviously not built for this stuff, despite his father's claims. Pushing the virulent material as far away from himself as possible, he got up and attempted to wobble toward the door, but found himself knocked back by his father's wings. Unfortunately, Link had long lost control of his strength and had thrown Chirin completely over the counter like laundry hung to dry.
"Dad, you should probably... ugh… stop now…"
"Oh, don't worry. I paid a rather large sum in advance. Just consider that cup bottomless for now. It's all on me! Don't let the amount left in the glass get in the way of enjoying it!"
"That's not quite what I meant."
Chirin picked himself up and plopped back into his seat, tempted to throw the cup holding the evil substance against the wall.
"You're just like your mother. Cut loose a little every now and then! Damn that Kaepora! He's already got his hooks in my son! But I won't let him have Aryl; oh no, she's going to be raised for her Gerudo heritage! And Hell, that Nabooru sure could hold her own. I feel like I have some lapses in memory from those nights, though…"
"She probably tried to knock you out and claim you as her own." Chirin suggested sarcastically.
"No, no, she stopped behaving that way long before I married Zelda."
"Stopped..?"
"Nah, it would probably be Ruto who would pull something like that. That woman could make Ganon himself piss his pants."
Link shuddered and took another swig, a nostalgic smile appearing on his face.
"Zelda wouldn't touch this stuff for a million rupees. She'd always try to convince me to stay away from these types of places. Maybe I could convince her to come as a Sheikah, since she tends to loosen up in that form… You know, that might just work! Ah, if only I'd thought of this sooner! Chirin, jot down some notes. I might not remember this in the morning."
"Yeah… sure…"
Chirin didn't move from his position. A moment later, he jumped back, startled as Link leapt from his seat and posed grandly: one foot on the counter with his hand pointing toward the sky. Of course, the look on the bartender's face objected to this, but Link didn't seem to care.
"The moment we return, Chirin! That's when we'll make our move! It's perfect! First Sheik, then the world!"
"The world? What's that supposed to mean?"
"I have no idea, but it adds to the effect! Whatever the case, we now have our means of solving the puzzle once and for all! Nothing can deter me now! HAHAHAHAHAAA!"
As his father laughed in a rather disturbing manner, Chirin suspected this would be a long night and started formulating theories for time travel. Just as he considered the option of temporarily borrowing his father's ocarina, Link stopped laughing, slumped back into his seat and sighed.
"Am I Hylian? Or Tenshioni? By Farore, there's no way to know, is there? I suppose now I have more things in common with a Cuckoo than I would like… being a flightless bird and all."
It seemed to Chirin that his father had entered a stage of reflecting on his troubles. Noticing this, of course he wanted to help. Thinking over his options, he finally came to a truly frightening conclusion. Staring down the cup of overpriced mold that the bartender had put before him, he gathered his courage and took a mighty swig, feeling every fiber of his being cry out in protest. By the time he smacked the glass back down on the table, he felt the room start to spin around him and felt as if he'd just been chased by an entire army of Cuckoos.
"MAN! Does it even matter? They both have two legs and a dick, right?"
Chirin could not believe what had just come out of his mouth. It was like it was possessed. He looked downward at his glass, trying to figure out what had just happened. However, looking downward had the effect of making the room spin around him.
"You're completely right, m'boy! Of course, you couldn't use that logic with ol' Mido since he doesn't seem to have one!"
Chirin's memory was completely fried. He couldn't seem to recall who exactly Mido was, or who he himself was, for that matter. No longer aware of what was going on, he simply nodded in agreement with a grin on his face. Even this small action was a bit too much for him, though, as he felt his consciousness start to slip away from his body.
"Now that I think of it, I'm not quite sure if even Gorons have them. I never really looked when I was one… I was so intent on stopping the moon… Sages! I missed out on a great opportunity! I bet Tatle would know. Or maybe Navi. They seem to be full of pointless information."
"HEY!"
"Exactly! You see where I'm coming from, right Chirin?"
Link looked over to find his son completely passed out. Hovering above him was the small fairy that had accompanied him on so many journeys. She did not look happy to see the two of them drinking the night away.
"Oh, shit!"
Link leapt from his spot and caught her inside his hands. This stunned the poor fairy for a moment, but she recovered quickly.
"Forget you ever saw this, all right? Please don't tell Zelda!"
"On your life! Now unhand me, you idiot!"
Navi squirmed out of his grasp and flew into his face a few times for good measure. As Link was in a bit of a compromised state, he fell back into his seat. The countenance of a small child being reproached appeared on his face.
"See? You're so gassed, you couldn't even walk right now, could you?"
"I could catch you just fine, right?"
That didn't help. A very frightening expression passed over Navi's face.
"That's not what I meant! What would you do if an enemy attacked you right now?"
"I'd wipe the floor with 'em."
"Somehow I doubt that."
"You need to put more faith in me."
Link grinned confidently. Navi made a high pitched growl.
"You promised her you would stop going to places like this!"
"That doesn't apply to Termina, right?"
"Don't you remember what happened the last time you drank too much in Termina? You said something about a strange girl… and you were a grasshopper… and those aliens!"
Link flopped down on the counter and started to snore unashamedly, a wide grin on his face. He was completely gone, but he seemed to be happy about it. This resulted in Navi making an undignified snort and landing next to him. After glaring at his sleeping face for a few moments, she sighed in defeat. She supposed it was better for him to have a good time while he could after all he had been through.
"What am I going to do with you?" Navi huffed as she curled up under his hand. "You're going to be in a lot of trouble when we get back… Just don't blame me if any cows are abducted again…"